The Beach Slum

  Grandma's House     Today was kind of "meh." I didn't like it.     During lunch, I was talking to Uncle Dirk in English, and I guess Grandma didn't like that. She slammed her hand down on the table and said I was disrespectful for speaking English in front of her. I tried explaining-- in Spanish-- that I just didn't know the words, and my tenses for that sentence got all jumbled because I was startled. Grandma said I was doing it on purpose because I was lazy. I choked down lunch and hid outside. Uncle Dirk found me and was super reassuring. I sat on the porch swing instead.     I ended up sneaking inside to take a nap until dinner, which, while we ate, was so uncomfortably hot. Eating in the kitchen, which is small, with that many people... is brutal without AC. So hot I thought I'd pass out. Eventually it was over, and I bolted back outside. I love that swing.     Uncle Dirk found me again, and we spent like two hours talking about our fa...

  Uncle David's House      I woke up feeling like ass, and like I had to poop, which I hate, because every toilet here has such a low flush pressure. I can't wait to crack an American toilet bowl again. My poop was green  and liquid. I was still in my PJs, and Grandma doesn't like not getting dressed before breakfast, but there was only one person who could help me: Uncle Dirk.     Dude, can you believe this poor guy has to deal with his niece telling him all about her bowel movements? And everything else I tell him. A moment of silence and mad respect for my uncle.     I pulled him aside from his breakfast, and delicately asked for his Imodium. He gave me instructions, and that was that. Two Pepto Bismols later, and I thought I was good. We were leaving for the store anyway.     The store was... such  a culture shock. Eggs not refrigerated-- even though I knew they wouldn't be, and I knew why-- and produce verified before the ...

  Grandma's House     Okay. I had another bad spell today. I sequestered myself in my room, and watched Flash for six hours, drifting in and out of sleep. I have no explanation. I had a great morning, and then... my mind betrayed me. By all accounts, my morning was great. Lots of laughs; this new job seriously wants me, and I wasn't anxious for the fifth interview at all. Stephanie's friend said nothing but encouraging words, and I was absolutely vibing.     And then...     I'm not sure what the trigger was. I think the issue is that some of my triggers are so little that I don't even notice until I'm already spiraling. I don't know what it was. I wrote in my phone's notes, so here they are; my thought log:          You know, I think I always knew I was forgettable. I didn't think I was quite that easy to forget. Maybe I was wrong. I spend my life forcing my existence on people, in my mind, so I created this system of giving pe...

  Grandma's House     I had the best day today. Uncle Dirk and I went to some museums and hung around Lima for an entire day. We tried to see the changing of the guards, but they weren't doing them anymore cause of COVID. We found this cool looking building on our way there, at least. So instead we got lunch at this total hole in the wall. I was skeptical at first, but it turns out they made my FAVORITE dish that my mom always made, and I assumed she just slapped it together, but no!!  That's a legitimate dish. I was in love. Even though the bathroom was the size of a utility closet, and you had to wash your hands in the same sink as the kitchen, and the "water" wasn't water at all, but some kind of lukewarm tea.     The first course of ceviche practically melted in my mouth, and my second dish, my favorite, was split peas, rice, and fish. My whole life, I swear, I assumed Mom made that patchwork dish for maximum protein. I was wrong! Never had I been happi...

  Grandma's House, the Porch Swing     Sometimes I am so childish that I make myself mad, and no amount of practiced empathy-- because really, I don't have a naturally empathetic bone in my body-- can help. And so I just sit and stew and sulk, because for all the life lessons I got in the whole "my feelings don't really matter" front, I still, for the absolute life of me, make my negative emotions everyone else's problem. I have the self control of a child begging to be loved, in a very desperate sort of way.     Probably even less than that. As a baby I was probably the same-- selfish and desperate-- and why should that change? Christ. I keep forcing myself because I think I'm better than that, and I always wish I was, and man, I really thought I could be.     Someone take a shot for every comma, or every time I said "really." Don't think I'm not self aware. That's what keeps me so humble.     And still, a desperate child desperately...

  Grandma's House     Aunt Patty made it very clear she prefers Stephanie. I can't blame her, and it's a common theme, but everyone else has at least made an effort at trying to focus on me. Honestly, that whole thing really hurt my feelings. Like, you could've just FaceTimed her and had more fun, clearly. We went to a mad weird White but Hispanic Country Club, El Bosque. Its vibe is "I'm having an affair with my tennis instructor."     The whole time, I was a mouthpiece for Stephanie, Sierra, and David. I WAS RIGHT THERE!     And all she wanted to know about was Stephanie. Melanie turned out surprisingly cool, with equal levels of trauma. I had fun with her. We ditched Aunt Patty and Uncle Sergio and got tipsy instead. I love that energy. She reminded me of me.     This next part is going to make me sound shallow and materialistic. Originally Aunt Patty had said she was getting gifts for me and  Sierra. When I left her car, everything w...

  Surf House Chicama, 7:53am EST/4:53am PST     I leave today, and I woke up with a splitting headache. 3 ibuprofen should fix that. I hope.     Aunt Patty is being so weird that Stephanie's wondering if the tarot cards she read before I left were actually warning me about Aunt Patty. A betrayal I should've seen coming. Stephanie said I was letting Aunt Patty dominate my schedule, and that it had been like that from the very beginning-- Mom's side and Dad's side fighting for control of our trips-- but I don't care enough to tell her to lay off. I only care enough to actually do it.     Why the surprise, Patricia? Are you really so shocked that I'd hate your mother and mine?     God, her side of the family is dense as fuck.     Gotta finish packing.     J