02/16/22:
Grandma's House, the Porch Swing
Sometimes I am so childish that I make myself mad, and no amount of practiced empathy-- because really, I don't have a naturally empathetic bone in my body-- can help. And so I just sit and stew and sulk, because for all the life lessons I got in the whole "my feelings don't really matter" front, I still, for the absolute life of me, make my negative emotions everyone else's problem. I have the self control of a child begging to be loved, in a very desperate sort of way.
Probably even less than that. As a baby I was probably the same-- selfish and desperate-- and why should that change? Christ. I keep forcing myself because I think I'm better than that, and I always wish I was, and man, I really thought I could be.
Someone take a shot for every comma, or every time I said "really." Don't think I'm not self aware. That's what keeps me so humble.
And still, a desperate child desperately wants to come out, but I will shove her down. Shove her down with the promise of jumping down the trampoline one day, smile big and wide and malicious. Because if no one wants me, I don't want to live out of spite. Like fuck, dude. How miserable.
~~~
For context: Every time I have a truly bad breakdown, Stephanie has a weirdly prophetic dream about it. The last time she dreamt that she saw a tiktok of mine on her FYP, but it was me screaming this scream of grief and horror. She said she's never heard me scream like that, she's never heard anyone scream like that, and she never wants to. I'll digress. Stephanie had a dream.
In her recent dream, all of us-- I'm talking my whole family here-- were at some sort of party. My mom had put a trampoline over a hole in the ground and was encouraging us to jump on it. I went on, Catherine went on, Stephanie refused. We got off, and while she thought I wasn't paying attention, Stephanie saw Mom cut a big X in the trampoline. If someone jumped, they would go right down the hole.
Mom encouraged us to go on it again, and I headed there. But Stephanie grabbed my hand, and handcuffed me and refused to let me go. I was yelling and kicking the whole time.
Then, Sierra asked Stephanie a question. Stephanie said she took her eyes off me for a second, and in that time, I slipped out of the handcuffs and bolted for the trampoline. Stephanie was screaming and chasing me, but I was faster, darting in between the people. I've always been faster than her. She was screaming for me, screaming that there was a hole and it was a trick.
She said I looked back, and the smile I gave her chilled her bones. It was a smile that said I knew exactly what I was doing-- I knew there was a hole, and I wanted to jump. It was arrogant and evil, but there was also something sweet under it. Like I was doing something bad for the sake of overall good.
According to her, Dream Jackie didn't hesitate when she reached the trampoline. She dived in headfirst right as Stephanie reached the hole. She desperately tried to grab my leg, my arm, my pants, anything. But she missed. And I fell.
And she sobbed by that hole while my mother just laughed.
~~~
1, 2, 3!
And down we go. It will be scary, but isn't everything?
You know, they always say that when you flee, you're still taking yourself with you, and all your problems will follow. I guess I thought I'd be different.
But I'm not. I took myself with me and she's a miserable, hateful person, who couldn't stop being depressed if she tried. She's also mad that we hate being dependent on people, and she is seething, furious, and it might be the meds, the trauma, or the BPD, but regardless...
She is alone. It is all her fault. She knows that, and she hates it. Is she supposed to expect people to stay when she's the reason they leave? Her mother is not the only person to think she's a monster.
I hope no one thinks I have a split personality. The separate "she" is meant to mean the aspects of myself I hate. I want to distance them from me as much as possible. No splitting here. Except the BPD black and white. That's called splitting. But no splitting of the personalities.
Yours,
Jackie
PS: I ate a whole aji pepper after I watched Uncle Dirk do it with zero face change. It was a dare of the most implied kind.
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