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Wanna come with me?

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         I have a job that doesn't necessarily do the best with PTO. It's not their fault, really. They laid off four people from my department leaving us with three, so the three are overworked. Even more now because I broke my foot and there's no such thing as light duty at my job. PTO is difficult but when we travel for our job and come back, we get days off on the back end. There's been times where I've done two trips in a row, and have had two weeks off at the end of it.     The entire time I've been working with my company, I was under the impression this would be the way to travel. When I first interviewed, they told me each trip gets a day off. When I was hired, this policy was gone. So the day off was nixed. I go somewhere, do my job from sun up to sun down, fall asleep in a hotel room, and repeat that for 11 days.     My point is that with my job, I was using the weirdness of not getting PTO as an excuse to not travel. I had time wi...
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2.0

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      Okay, I'll admit it. I let this blog slide when I got in my car accident. And I stand by doing that, because that was super traumatic and I'll still cry about it when I think about it for too long, but it just reminded me that life is really for the living, and if I wait forever for the right moments to live, I'll find myself old and regretful.     Holy run-on sentence, Batman.     So this is going to change into what it always should've been. This is going to be a blog solely about the beaches and my time at them. My time traveling to them and what they're like, with ratings. I turned it into a car one because I happened to be going to beaches with my car, but really the heart of this blog is the beaches.     I'm in graduate school for my master's in creative nonfiction-- not that you'd know it from my very casual spelling and grammar here-- and part of what I'm learning is that I let my own internal insecurities hold myself back. I le...
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It's time

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      I don't have a name for this new car and that's the trickiest part. I'm not used to not having a name for a car, but that's probably because I had Dani for so long and then a CX-30 I never quite got used to.      Sometimes the names "Olive" and "Jessie" run in my mind, but I can't decide and it seems like a sign that I can't choose. Wouldn't the name come as naturally to me as Dani did if it was meant to be? So what does that tell me?     That tells me that maybe I need more space from Dani's death. And that's okay. It's been a little over a year and I sometimes cry but it's way less than it used to be and that's a win. Not that I don't love her anymore but I can see that life continues and I can be comfortable in new things, new cars, and her steering wheel cover is faded and peeling but still there. The AC in the new Protege is still broken.      With that, I was cringing away from beaches. Shying away. Kin...
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Forewarning

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      I have to confess something to you guys. All... 3 of you.     I can't do a car lease.     Maybe you've read this blog and were like, yeah no shit you can't; maybe you had higher hopes for me, maybe you thought nothing of it at all because you're not even reading this, but it's an important conclusion for me to write.     I got the lease because I wanted to prove I could fit in with one specific person, but it didn't work, and he talked shit about me for two hours straight, and after months of saying I'd never do a lease again, I have decided to use my free will in the best way possible.     I'm going to sell my lease. Get rid of it. And buy a used car, like God intended. Like the universe did. I hate car payments, and I hate not owning the car. I still had to pay $500 a month for the four months my car sat in the goddamn shop. I can't do it anymore.      I was open to a Mazda3, or a Mazda6. Unfortunately for me,...
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I never used to do this

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      I have a piece of writing to share from my stream of consciousness that hit me after a very contentious phone call with a body shop that still has my CX30, after two months.     It also fits my theme for my master's. It's not very pleasant to read. I'm sorry in advance. I never used to yell at service workers. I worked in the service industry since I was old enough to work, I knew what it was like. I have a temper but I always try to be understanding of short staffed shifts, poor management, and food that just needs to cook. I will never be understanding of mechanics who want to take advantage of people.\ When I first broke down in Dani in California, I took her to a mechanic in Oxnard who was the worst one I’d ever experienced. Maybe I’d been blessed finding mine, but they were one in a million, and I should’ve known. From the start, he treated me like a whitewashed girl who knew nothing. He claimed I needed an oil change before even looking at Dani. I li...
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Untitled

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  I CRY. I CRY I CRY I CRY I CRY. MY EMOTIONS DO NOT END. THE GRIEF HAS NEVER STOPPED. I CRY. I SOB. I BAWL. I WAIL FOR MY BEST FRIEND ON MY KNEES AND MY EMOTIONS WILL NOT END. I CRY. I CRY I CRY I CRY I CRY. I GET DRUNK AND IT IS NEVER FUZZY. THE GRIEF WILL NEVER LEAVE.  i scream in my grief. 
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Dear God, It's Me Again, Can't Catch a Fucking Break.

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    Anyone remember my super devastating car crash? The one that killed my best friend? And still continues to ruin me every time I get drunk enough to remember I am in actually super crippling grief?     Remember that?     WELL GUESS WHO CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF HER CATCH A GODDAMN BREAK.     And why is it always on a trip to California? California, what are you trying to say? Am I supposed to stay, and that's why I break down? Do you hate me and that's my punishment? Does it matter to me?     So I'm driving to California, right, because I have to go to USC, to see the super misogynistic doctor who is very obsessed with what my medication is going to do to my womb, if I ever bear fruit, as if I'm bearing fruit at all right now.     And I'm driving safely! It's a bright sunny day, dry roads, light traffic, I am in the left lane behind a black pick up truck, with enough space between us to fit an RV. I know this because there's an...
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