Forewarning

     I have to confess something to you guys. All... 3 of you.

    I can't do a car lease.

    Maybe you've read this blog and were like, yeah no shit you can't; maybe you had higher hopes for me, maybe you thought nothing of it at all because you're not even reading this, but it's an important conclusion for me to write.

    I got the lease because I wanted to prove I could fit in with one specific person, but it didn't work, and he talked shit about me for two hours straight, and after months of saying I'd never do a lease again, I have decided to use my free will in the best way possible.

    I'm going to sell my lease. Get rid of it. And buy a used car, like God intended. Like the universe did. I hate car payments, and I hate not owning the car. I still had to pay $500 a month for the four months my car sat in the goddamn shop. I can't do it anymore. 

    I was open to a Mazda3, or a Mazda6. Unfortunately for me, one of my non-negotiables is a sunroof. When I was a child, a sunroof was the height of luxury, the one definite sign that you've made it, and I lucked into one with my first car. I won't downgrade.

    There is a woman in California, the same city as my uncle lives in, who is selling her 2002 Mazda Protege ES. 

    Shut up. I can already hear it. Whatever you have to say about getting the same kind of car-- a sedan, with a sunroof? yeah okay-- there has to be the acknowledgment that this car came into my life in a coincidental city, at a reasonable price point I'd set for my used car.

    And yet.

    My own thoughts are more turbulent. If I was going to get a used car anyway. If I was going to make car payments BUT TAKE THE BUS FOR FOUR MONTHS ANYWAY!

    I could have fixed Dani. I could have payment planned a collision place. I didn't even get a fucking estimate. 

    That's what crushes me most. It isn't getting the same car to "replace" her. I like to think she will come with the car. It's the fact that I could've had her in my arms the entire time getting fixed, if I was just going to pay $500 a month and take the bus for months anyway.

    That will continue to crush me, as I fly to the unknown city (well, I know. I don't know why I want to gatekeep it. Please don't steal it from me) to look at another version. But I will anyway.

    Also, just as an aside. I'm pretty sure Dani was some sort of cobbled together ES and DX. An ES looks the most like her, but... there's some parts of the ES that I don't recognize. The DX has those bits that the ES is missing, but... I think she was primarily ES, the higher performance trim anyway.