Ohhhhh my god, I'm a bundle of nerves

-

     It has been so entirely long since I updated this!

    In my defense, if you've read some of the past posts, you'd know Dani and I have had our fair share of trials when we drive to the beach, and so, regrettably, I've been a little shy about going. Not that I'm afraid of getting stranded; rather, I'm afraid of... I guess, causing damage so hardcore that I end up losing Dani forever. Which kind of traps me into a self-fulfilling Catch-22, doesn't it?

    When I bought her, that was my primary love-- driving her up and down the coast-- and yet I am so afraid to lose her that I deprive her of our love. And so, before the California weather turns mildly chilly, I am endeavoring to the beach once more.

    Okay. Also because I went on an opening to Florida, and I've never been, but some Florida beaches are on my list, and then I got eaten alive by bugs and told there was flesh-eating bacteria in the water, and so I was a beach-loving Pisces STUCK, landlocked in a state that had plenty of beaches!! I swore to myself I'd see the Pacific as soon as I came back. Here I am.

    Not only is this my first beach trip of this year, but it's also a milestone trip because. I'm bringing someone with me.

    I have lamented time and time again, on here and in person, about how other people don't understand my road trip rules and complain about how early I like to leave, and somehow I ended up dating the one person who doesn't mind the rules and likes leaving early. Maybe not 2am early-- it's possible he just meant like, 4am, like any reasonable person-- but he did not complain and is going to be ready by then. 

    Which means there's even more pressure on me and Dani to perform admirably. It's different than if it was just me! I am so tolerant and understanding when it's just us. I will remain tolerant and understanding, don't get me wrong, but now there's an undercurrent of nerves. 

    Logically, I know everything will be fine. I've had her checked and maintained, I'm leaving early so the sun doesn't factor the temperature, etc etc. I have safety: three emergency roadside kits, two different roadside assistance programs, etc etc.

    And yet, I'm afraid. There's no reason to be. When I run through it logically, I'm good. When I think about any reactions, I'm good. and yet??? I don't know.

    To anyone who just wants me to get a new car, I made a blog specifically for Dani. So. Idk how far those thoughts will get you-- clearly, I'm too stubborn.

    We leave Saturday at 2am, and I will keep updating this as time passes.

    

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dear Dani: I miss you, I'm sorry, I miss you, I'm so sorry. Why couldn't I go with you?

-
      I have been refusing to make this post since it happened.              The family joke from the day I got Dani is that if she went, I went. I would die when she did. And I poured everything I had into making sure she did not. I poured everything I had into that car. The joke was that I would stop paying for repairs when she needed an engine rebuild, and even then, probably not. I'd probably rebuild it. We traded suffering. She drove me when I needed to cry and scream at night, and I suffered sweat and financial costs when she had some issue on the way to the beach.     I was so, so, so stupidly in love with that car. My pride and joy.     Notice the past tense? Tell me you see where this is going, because I want to cry writing this without even saying the words.     I always thought if Dani were to leave me, it would be in the kind way. One final wheeze to the beach and back, and I could let her go.     I did not think it would be violent and cruel. I did not think I'd st
Read more

Dear God, It's Me Again, Can't Catch a Fucking Break.

-
    Anyone remember my super devastating car crash? The one that killed my best friend? And still continues to ruin me every time I get drunk enough to remember I am in actually super crippling grief?     Remember that?     WELL GUESS WHO CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF HER CATCH A GODDAMN BREAK.     And why is it always on a trip to California? California, what are you trying to say? Am I supposed to stay, and that's why I break down? Do you hate me and that's my punishment? Does it matter to me?     So I'm driving to California, right, because I have to go to USC, to see the super misogynistic doctor who is very obsessed with what my medication is going to do to my womb, if I ever bear fruit, as if I'm bearing fruit at all right now.     And I'm driving safely! It's a bright sunny day, dry roads, light traffic, I am in the left lane behind a black pick up truck, with enough space between us to fit an RV. I know this because there's an RV in the middle lane, next to
Read more

In Memoriam: Fuck the Ocean, the Universe, and Any Cosmic Entity

-
      Shortly after I wrote the last post, I went to California, on a road trip, in my new Mazda, with Nick.     I wanted to go to Coronado, but I was afraid. Afraid because the beach Dani and I used to go to all the time was going to prop up memories. Afraid to do it alone, but afraid to do it with Nick. I wasn't sure how I'd react, and I wasn't sure he'd be helpful. Not even I know what to do with my grief. How could an outsider know, even one who knows me best?     A little secret: sometimes I blame Nick for the accident.     That's not fair, and that's not true, but in my most irrational moments, I can trace the fault lines all the way back to him on that day, and I can trace them back even farther.     I moved into my new place that day, he came to see it, left and said we should get dinner. I was sweaty. I'd been cleaning all day. It wasn't a fancy place, but it didn't feel right to go to my first dinner as a renter with sweaty clothes. I decid
Read more