The Beach Slum

      No one is ever going to believe this.     Picture this, okay? I'm getting home from a date, ready to sleep for three hours and hit the road, two cans of tripleshot espresso in my fridge. Everything goes according to plan. I'm ready to see Oxnard State Beach. I have an insulated lunch box to keep my iPhone from getting too hot. And my uncle made me bring water.     It's an amazing drive. Excluding the fact that my car is old and has a tendency to get too hot on long drives-- easily fixed by turning the heater on full blast and opening the windows, btw-- my odometer never went below 90mph and I was absolutely vibing, totally ready for the beach and to see my uncle, who lives in the city next to Oxnard.     I pull off the freeway. My car has been solid the whole drive: no noise, no lights, no worrying signs. Trust me, I check her. I am five minutes  away from the beach.     Then this motherfucker starts losing power. Not sud...

      Okay, okay. I admit it. My car's a fucking trainwreck. I'm the only one that rides in her, and sometimes I have a tendency to let some mess slip by the wayside. Who is it bothering, right?      Then. Then I spill salt on my seats and promise myself I'll clean it, over and over and over again, but I'm the only one who ever goes in my car so who fucking cares, except I kind of do, lowkey, and I'm anemic so it's a disgusting temptation of desperation, but still , it's SALT, and somehow it got all over my winter peacoat, which, why do I even have in my car, Jackie, it's fucking June? It was 115 degrees the other day, but I have a fucking peacoat in my car? Someone make this bitch make sense.     But when I go on a trip, it's kind of like those juice cleanses people do, except it's not a scam and I don't gain any weight back once I start eating solid food. Point: it's rejuvenating. Kind of like those eye creams that are also a scam. Did ...

      Before the Bitchin' Beaches Bucket List, I had a standard beach: Coronado, and an aspiring beach: Carmel by-the-sea. Okay, yes, part of it was my desire to live out the life of Susannah Simon. Most of it was the description of white sand, beautiful blue waters, and the way the town looked in all the pictures.     Carmel was eight hours away. I couldn't justify it for a day trip. I couldn't justify it for a weekend trip. I could  justify it for a four day birthday trip. And God, was it worth it.     When I read my twelve articles, Carmel-- and Coronado-- continuously made the list of the most beautiful beaches in California. I was so inclined to agree, and even more grateful that I'd chosen CBTS as my birthday trip. I took my sister, and my niece, and each day was crazy. Reminiscent of our childhood together but no angry mother, money of our own to spend, and I planned the entire thing. I drove almost the entire trip. The amount of serotonin ...

      This is the ever-changing bucket list. If anyone has any beaches they think I should visit, let me know!