dani-adjacent: a ramble about a specific person

     I think we all know I love my car a stupid amount. Like, that's obvious from the fact that I have a blog dedicated to her, and spent like six posts on the various repairs she needed. I don't have to tell you.

    Has anyone picked up on the specific person I've been alluding to? Specifically in the post where I said someone said I was miserable, burnt out, and my car was a money pit? Who asked me why I loved her so much?

    Yeah... I went on another date with that person today, and I, once again, went on and on about my car, because he had to pick me up and wanted to know what happened to my car again, and is that why I disappeared for a while? (It was.)

    He asked, again, why I loved my car so much.

    I kind of dodged it again, but the answer-- that she was outright mine-- was on the tip of my tongue. I would have cried though, and I wasn't about to cry at ten am in a parking lot, so I just answered without answering.

    And then I said that a lot of people said I was stupid for getting the transmission. For following my heart instead of my wallet.

    "I get the feeling money doesn't matter too much to you if it's something you want. The drunk shopper doesn't care about money, just what they want most."

    Well, he wasn't wrong.

    I told him that I just thought it didn't make sense to give up on her, if I'd spent so much this far. "I always thought the line is an engine rebuild," I said, "but now I'm wondering if I should just get her rebuilt after all."

    I paused. "Yeah. I might."

    The guy next to me smiled at me a little crookedly and said, "I already know you will. The only way you'll let go is if it's a total loss."

    I think my mouth went dry. How did someone, who I was so sure didn't know me at all, guess in one that the only way Dani would leave my side, is when she's ripped from me. And even then, if it's a total loss accident, it better fucking be a total loss. As in, me with her.

    Did I mention I'm mentally ill? Stupidly emotionally attached to a car that everyone hates? 

    Notable quotes from people upon finding out my transmission debacle:

    "I know you love Dani, but a transmission is not worth it."

    "Your car's a shitbox, and I never understood why you kept fixing her after the second repair."

    "You could've just bought a new car."

    "You should've just bought a new car."

    "Why do you keep using 'she'? It's an electrical system, not a person."

    Notable replies from me (I didn't actually say these, because at the time, I felt that some of them had a point. $2200? It was going to be a crazy decision):

    "A transmission is worth it because I love her."

    "I kept fixing her because she was what I had and I wanted her to last."

    "I could've."

    "I don't know about that. Would any other car be as forgiving?"

    "People use 'she' for boats. Why can't I use it for my car? She's real to me."

    All of these people supposedly know me better than this guy, and maybe that's why they were offering me the flat truth. It would have been so easy to just blindly support me-- I had one friend who was very supportive; she used to have a truck she loved just as much, and understood where I was coming from, though, so it wasn't blind support-- but they knew me well enough to give it to me straight.

    I'm sure the guy thought my future of engine rebuilding was crazy. But he didn't tell me that. Instead, when I said I wasn't sure about a rebuild, he looked me in the eye, and said, with absolute certainty, "I already know you will."

    And you know what? I love my stupid car so much. He was absolutely right.

    Dear Dani, 

    if you would like to go out in a total loss, please take me with you. This is dramatic, but I love you so goddamn much. I love you so goddamn fucking much. You are my best friend, my other half, the car personification of my inner child, and somehow my best coping skill and strongest defense mechanism. I wouldn't have it any other way. You're stupid, and I love you, but I'm stupid and you love me. That's why we work. Please don't go where I can't follow.

    Love, Jackie

PS: the same person who said they didn't understand why I kept fixing her after the second repair, also half-facetiously asked if I was sexually attracted to Dani. No, I'm just really mentally ill and she's the first thing that's ever been mine. I can't stand the thought of losing her, or dumping her, or any variation where it isn't completely un-salvagable.