oh shit. oh fuck. oh goddamn it.

     It was not the fuel pump.

    Maybe I was just really hopeful, or really naive, but even as I tried to convince myself, none of those symptoms seemed to fit well. Like how a sinus infection and flu can seem very similar, but they’re not. Or some other medical analogy. How seizures can be a symptom of another disease instead of epilepsy. I digress. As much as the symptoms fit a bad fuel pump and as much as I wanted it to be that simple, my gut was telling me I was wrong. It was something else. But I'm not a mechanic, so it was a smidge of naivete that led me to blindly believe the same research methods that had given me correct answers before.

    My gut was right. It was something else.

    Dani's transmission is starting to fail.

    When I first bought her, the guy had said there had been no transmission errors, and my mechanic friend who had gone with me to inspect all the cars I ever went to see, said that that was good. Once a car gets past 120k-- I think that's the number he said-- without major transmission errors, it's a good engine.

    One of the first couple times I had taken Dani in to my mechanics, they had told me that I have a small coolant and oil leak, and that I should check it every two weeks. You can ask literally everyone around me: I adhere to that. I have a reminder on my phone set for every two weeks.

    Even though I was told they were teeny leaks, I so far haven't seen any issues in fluid loss, yet I still check it faithfully, every two weeks.

    They also told me there was a transmission leak. They cleaned the fluid, patched it up, everything was good, but, they warned me, I would need a new one at some point in time. It was impossible to say when.

    With my car, it seems like impossible is what she aims for.

    In hindsight, I feel very stupid. How could I have missed the most basic of symptoms? They all occurred while the gears needed changing. If I had been driving a manual, I probably would have noticed that right off the bat. But because she automatically shifts up and down, all I noticed was that this occasionally happened, no discernible reason. 

    I like to say she'd run herself into the ground for me, and every time I go to the mechanic, it seems more and more true.

    My serpentine belt, when I first got her? Hanging on by threads. So thin and rusted Valvoline was not sure how I made it to Valvoline. (I think she did this one because she knew I'd love her like I do.)

    My starter? This is when she first made me a liar-- she wouldn't start for me, but started for them thirty times in a row. They counted.

    My alternator? It was coming on, charging briefly, then dying. In a cycle. That, they added, was probably what saved my battery the few days before I could get her down. The fact that she charged it, albeit sporadically.

    And now, my transmission? It's starting to fail, they said. They could see it working, working hard. But it was working harder, and, I like to believe, determination is what keeps her going. 

    They're going to call me tomorrow with pricing: one for a used transmission, and one for a rebuilt one.

    It depends on the price, but... honestly... I was going to pay some rando in California $2600 for a timing belt. I just paid $1k for her main rear seal. 

    With all the repairs and love... how could I not pay these guys, my best guys, whatever it takes?

    This is Brutally Broke, signing off.